Why Women Carry Shame for Things They Never Caused: Episode 69

In this episode, we explore themes of shame, self-confidence, and the importance of sisterhood, sharing personal stories and insights on navigating midlife challenges. We discuss how societal expectations and personal experiences shape our perceptions and how support and therapy can foster healing.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_03 0:13

Hello and welcome to Not Your Mother's Midlife Crisis. I'm Chris and this is my co-host Chris. Hello, Chris. Twinning today. We are twinning today here. Unplanned. Unplanned. In our Olakai Eagle shirts. They have really awesome eagles on the back of them with kettlebells. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Invited to create. Yes. Love her. I got, yeah, we got them. And we were in spirit of the NFL starting. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 0:36

I'm just turning my chair back. Okay. I got rid of my stool so I might slide around. Oh, okay. Anyway, um, enough of that. But yes, twinning is awesome. I'm like, we're wearing the same chart. Go birds. Yes, go birds. Go birds. So uh last week we had on Michelle Dawn from Imani Cosmetics, and I loved her message about like she was fully endorsing like whatever makes you feel beautiful, that's what you should do. Yes. I love that. I ordered the Youth Defense Foundation. Okay. Which, you know, it's like like oxymoron name there. Um, I didn't get it yet, but I ordered it. So we'll see.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

So I just thought she was had such positive energy and just her um spirit and approach to longevity that it all ties together and she just had a great combination of self-confidence and gratitude.

SPEAKER_03 1:32

Yes. I would agree.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Yeah, and I ordered her vitamin C eye serum. Okay. Because it was supposed to reduce puffiness, and I feel like I've had an issue with puffy. You have been talking about an issue with puffy eyes. I feel like I have.

SPEAKER_03 1:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

I don't know. I like put wet, like cold, wet water on them every day. So I'm she said she uses it all over her face, but I'm excited to get it and try it. And right. So you get puffy underneath and I get puffy on top.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Okay. But only one eye.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Oh, no. So you know what? Though I do feel like my right eye is more than the other.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

It's hard getting old. I know it is. It really is. Yeah, it sucks. We've got to keep it again. So I we keep trying. I went out to breakfast last week with um my friends Dawn, Colleen, and Janet, who you very well. Um, and they wanted me to tell you thank you. Okay. And I did text you and tell you they said thank you. They really appreciated you sharing your story and being so vulnerable. Um did a good job. That was different. Yeah, it is hard. And so, and then because they shared their stories about divorce and relationships, and they talked about being, you know, ashamed of it for, you know, like I said, just not something to be shameful for. But anyway, I had that shower epiphany and I called you right away, and I'm like, I gotta call Chris right now. And I thought, this this is a whole topic. How I mean, people, but women especially feel shame and carry shame throughout our lives for so many different reasons that we don't need to. We're like carrying this burden that's that's not really ours to carry. And they were just saying how much they felt like they weren't alone and they appreciated that you shared. And even though they knew like it wasn't their fault, or they still have a decent relationship with their ex, they still carried shame about it and didn't really like to share it. And I was saying, I'm like, I think you're so brave. I think not sharing your story, but but having the strength to not stay in an unhappy situation. I think it's a lot easier to stay, especially when life's comfortable. Yes. Sure, why not? We have, you know, a nice house. Our kids are happy, our kids, you know, nobody, nobody knows what's going on behind this door. You know, just because we have lived separate lives or whatever, and people can stay like that and just be like, okay, I'm gonna spend 50 years like this.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Women take on a big burden to make everyone else a priority. Yeah. And to look out for everyone else. And they you do feel responsible for everyone else. You feel responsible that um you burden the shoulder for everything as a reflection of your marriage, your lifestyle, your children, like you name it, I feel like it falls on women.

SPEAKER_03 4:24

So I give everybody credit if they're in a situation that they're unhappy in, because I think leaving's harder. Starting over and doing everything all over again is so much harder. So good for you. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Thank you. Don't make you cry.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Oh, I know. Don't make her cry this soon in the episode. Um, well, I also, when I shared with you, I had a dear friend. She texted me about how much she really loved the Midlifers episode and then our episode afterwards, and she just said again about the shame loves the dark resonated with her. But she just texted, but it was a good opportunity for me to call her. And then when I called her, you know, she was crying and she and she said, I was I've just been really struggling, struggling with a lot of different things that are going on in her life. And she goes, and while you're going through it, it doesn't matter what it is, you do, you feel very alone, and you feel like, does anyone really even understand? And she said that when she heard us talk about that statement, Shane loves the dark.

SPEAKER_03 5:34

Yes, crying to Suzette there. Thank you, Suzette.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

That is, and when she heard that, she said, you know, here she's thinking she was crying like it's in the middle of the night and she's crying. And then the next day she hears us talk about it. And she which has made made her reach out. Well, her reaching out is what then why I called her and I said to her, I'm like, I like I I have your back. Like, right, and I feel like so. It doesn't matter like what personal issue it could be um relationships or mental health or any other type of family thing, it can be so isolating and it just weighs heavy on your heart, heavy on your mind. So I I feel like this is a really great topic that we're covering.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Yeah, because there's a million different reasons to feel shame. Like we all have shame over something we've done. Um, and I don't know, like, how did this get instilled in us? Is it, you know, the Catholic upbringing? Was it just the generation and culture of the 60s through the 80s? I think a lot of it had to do it, but it reminded me of a poem that I used to see in my doctor's office all the time, and it was from Dorothy Law Nolte, and it is Children Learn What They Live. And I remember, because I think I was in high school and I would see it in the doctor's office, and I'd be like, I'd read it line for line, I'd be like, that's me, that's me, it's me. And the one line that always relates to this and always had me thinking was if a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty or learns to feel guilt. And it it just spoke to me. And it's just funny that these different things that we've lived with our whole life create who we are as an adult. And yeah, so I don't know if you ever heard of that. No, I haven't, but it's a poem.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Yeah, and that's powerful. I'm gonna have to set it up. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 7:32

I'll try to read it.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

I do think I do think it's generational. I I really do, because I I feel like it's more um what was in instilled in us. Right. Um and you know, as as you know, going through something difficult, so even like a divorce, it doesn't ha any of it, it doesn't happen overnight. Um it can be a long, long time thing or whatever series events. And I know personally, like I thought, like, what can I do, or how should I be to like make things change? Should I like handle more? Should I take on more? Should I be thinner? Should I like not say this? Should I like you know, you know what I'm talking about? Like you just think be more encouraging, like be more like what be more anything, right? Like you need be more.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

Like how what did I do to cause this and how do I undo it? Yes, but I I realized never one person though.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

No, in the end, the only thing that it does is that then you sacrifice like your own peace. I feel like you sacrifice your self-worth, um, your health, your confidence. Like you need it. Yes, you. And and then at the same point, you feel extremely guilty for like wanting peace and for wanting more for yourself. I I know that that's me, but I feel like I feel that others will feel the same way.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

I get it, because you're in a partnership and when the partnership's not working, at some point in time you have to put yourself ahead of the if the partnership has tried everything and nothing is changing and nothing is improving, and the partnership is hurting you and your health, you then have to you have to fight for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Yeah. But I I think and not just myself, but I think most women are gonna say that they did everything, they gave their best, they they did everything that they could. And but I think it, you know, I always laugh because it would be something as simple as like when the the kids were little from them to send out thank you cards. And I always, you know, you would sit down and you'd write out the thank you cards, and if the I was like, and I would know my mind, I'm like, if if someone didn't get a thank you card, it was reflective on I was not a good mother. I must not be teaching them. Oh, it's totally fine. I know, I know totally fine. I know it wouldn't have been like no, my husband would never have thought that. Like he would have been like, all right, so they sent he wouldn't have cared. He didn't follow up with the car. But it's something like so it's something as my as the minutia of a thank you card that that's what we carry as like a reflection on us.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

So we just literally had this conversation, and I hope I don't get myself in trouble. Um we were both on Riley a little bit like, hey Riley, you're gonna do your thank you cards. Well, they are purposely, they've waited because they wanted to be able to share something in that thank you card that they had to wait, and I don't want to ruin it. So um you have a whole piece anyway. But but but Brian was like, hey, he asked me about it, and I said, no, they didn't do them yet. And he was like, what the hell? And I'm like, and then he asked her, and I was like, I knew that, I just didn't get a chance to tell you. So, but yes, even as adult children, you're like, oh shit, they didn't do the the is that a reflection on me. And literally, I can tell you we both thought that, like as a reflection on ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

So but I think a lot of people and whatever they're going through in their life, whatever struggles that they have, um, they they do want to keep the peace. And a lot of times they do whatever they can to keep up the appearance that everything is is fine. And I remember our our good friend was telling us about someone that's like, well, they're Facebook happy. Yeah, it's all for appearance's sake. They're Facebook happy. And it's actually a term I would say. Yeah. Like really. So, um, but you know, so I I I think it's it's real. It's just, you know, when you you struggle, you you figure, what can I do to you know? It's almost like you're tap dancing about, hey, what Right.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

We were at breakfast and you know, one of the women was saying something about like, you know, they were cheated on. And I think we've all been cheated on at one point. And why is it that the person who was cheated on always feels more ashamed? Like you feel like I wasn't good enough. I uh wasn't pretty enough anymore. I, you know, we weren't having enough sex or whatever it is you're taking on this guilt for something that somebody else did because we're embarrassed and we're ashamed. And um, and I had a situation like that. It wasn't uh my husband was an ex-fiance, whatever. And I remember like like coming home, because I lived out of state with him, coming home feeling so embarrassed, like, yeah, obviously I'm not good enough because he cheated on me. And and honestly, he did me the biggest favor in the world because he was such an asshole. Um but why why do we do that?

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Yeah. I I mean, I because I think we directly correlate, and it doesn't matter what the behavior is, we directly correlate a partner's behavior into a reflection of our own self and our worth and our actions, and it's it's bullshit. It is bullshit, but it happens.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

This guilt and shame thing is it's it's a big deal, and we've got it, we've gotta somehow get it off our plates. Like we've got to find a way for all of our women, all of our all of our sisters out there. Like you can't you can't do this to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

No.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

Like you gotta we gotta get rid of it.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

It's a real belief that if you do something different, it will change the way someone else behaves. And that's it's just wrong. Yeah. If someone's not happy, you can't make them happy.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Like you're not res you can't control other people's actions either.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

And we think that we can. Yes. So another um thing we talked about, like with guilt, like you can be guilty for a million things. And like my mom was an alcoholic, and I would never wanted anybody to know our house was a disaster all the time. Like, I did not want people to come over. And I remember just growing up with that shame from a very young age. And but I would say five out of ten of us have a family member or a close friend that's been afflicted with an addiction issue. So we decided at breakfast that we need to do an addiction issue to uh episode as well because everybody needs some support somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

They do, you know, and it it could be, you know, like uh it was something similar. I had a really good friend whose son was going through issues. It was like their their teenage, college-age son. And again, she thought like she was so and I I don't even know when you feel like you're not a good parent. Yes, and she thought it was a reflection on her as a mother to the point where yes, she pulled away at like from like social events and just kind of like went in just to not have to not have to talk about things or not have to even like lie to anyone. She didn't want to have to do that, but so it is it it's something that it's it's tough.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

And it's funny, I think when you're when you're going through it, you kind of think, and I I did for many, many years, felt like it was a choice. I felt like the people in my life that had addiction issues at one point in time they had a choice. And then it at some point they no longer had a choice that the addiction was the disease, and they really couldn't control it. And it took me a long time to understand that, like a very long time. And we shouldn't be ashamed because it's an illness. Yes, and it needs treatment and it needs understanding and empathy. Um so again, that's a full that's a full empathy.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

No, yeah, no, that's full empathy.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

And I think, you know, you know, I've I've done a lot of self-re reflection and try to take time to work on myself and get myself back. Um and I I know you and I've talked about this, like the only way to get through something is to go through something, unfortunately. Sucks. It sucks. Um but I I've learned or I've realized I I I'm not gonna waste time or energy or help on resentment or I should have, I could have um in the past. Like I feel like to heal from anything is you have to forgive yourself um for doing the best you could and make the changes that you feel are necessary right in your life to make the improvements. So maybe you could have, I shoulda, could have you can't change what happened, but you should have you can do what you need to do like going forward, so you don't feel that way again, so it that never happens again. So or to not never, but you know, that you're gonna you're just gonna change how you approach things.

SPEAKER_03 16:57

Right. So like you mean you're living with shame, it makes you have self-doubt. And with self-doubt, like a way to get through that would be would be therapy. But with our generation, when we were in our midst of things, let's just let's just say 20 to 40, it was always perceived as weakness where you were broken if you got therapy. Like, yeah, like you're crazy, there's something wrong with you. And then I love that our Gen Z, they they're I mean, they're called the therapy generation, but they're not wrong. They're not. No. And I think of how much how many people would have made better decisions. Maybe their marriages would have made it to a different spot. They would have, you know, tried a different career path. Like so many things would have been different if they had this someone to help them get through those emotions. And all those women did all that without HRT. So it's just it's it's a it's a lot. But I'm glad that therapy is now an accepted way to handle your life in your own terms.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yes. And I'm glad too that there's no, there's definitely no shame in it, and it's actually welcomed and that this generation is happy for those that get the help that they need. I really know I applaud them. I think it's good.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

And so I um I saw something and I thought it was quote that applies to many situations, that it has never regret the love that you give. It returns to you in another time, another person, other circumstances, but it'll always come back to you. So you can't to not have those regrets or that that shame. And um the people that love you will always love you. Right. The people that love you will know that you're enough. You know, and I think that's kind of that message that you, you know, it's okay to talk about it. And um and what when you're ready. Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Right.

SPEAKER_03 19:14

It's in, yeah, you can't push someone to talk about it if they're not ready. But sometimes I would say with our generation, I wouldn't say they need a push, but they need encouragement. They need they need to know that they don't have to be ashamed because there's somebody else that's gone through it, too. And I think that really helps. Yes. And I did ask the girls if it was okay if I used their name. And I asked them, like, did you feel better? And they had all texted back, like, yeah, it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one. Yeah. You know, and I that's so nice. So I try not to cry. I feel like tears in my eyes all the time. It's too much. It's supposed to be funny show.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

I know, I know. Um okay, well, I'll share with you. Um, you had a shower, Tiffany, and I had um one on the driving range. Okay. So I went to the driving range. For new favorite. No, my new favorite place.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

She made fun of me last year. I just wanted you to know. Sometimes I tell my golf stuff and she kind of like, I don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 20:16

And now I'm like, I am hooked. Yep. Hooked, hooked. Like even when we finished, I'm like, Yes, I'm just like. It's good. New skills are good. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right. And it's a matter of like when do you get better. So I was on the driving range like by myself. I had my AirPods in. I was listening to music, like, you know, practicing with all my clubs, as you said, not just my favorite ones. So I'm and how did you do? Uh I still did horrible with that hybrid, but you just gotta keep practicing.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Um five to ten balls per club. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

All right. I usually like to do a bucket just for my with my driver. I would die. But anyway, so I as I was there, um, I was just listening to music, and this song came on, and it was called Sister by Mickey Guyton. And I felt like that was my epiphany, that that could be the theme song for this episode. And I know we can't play it because of the whole copyright, but I really want our listeners to to go out and just if they could listen to the song. Um, so because it really reflects the fact that the importance of the sisterhood, like your sister from another mister, like you, and uh that female tribe. Like that's what it is. Um, and all those people that are in your corner that that really stand up for you. So, like, so some of the lyrics are like when it knocks us down, we gotta pick each other up, sister. I got your back on the long drunk stumble home. Um, I'll be your hell yeah, when all you've ever heard was no. And sister, you're gonna hurt, but you ain't gotta hurt alone because I'm your sister.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

Oh, that's really nice. I will try to add it to one of our like old fashioned reels that I haven't done in a while where I do. Like the pictures about it.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

And I feel like, but it's just like just listen to the song. And and it was almost a message like, check on your sisters. Yeah. Just check in and see. They don't have to tell you what's going on, but just to let them know that you're thinking about them.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

That's like that's so funny because that kind of goes to my yeah, what did I learn before I forget?

SPEAKER_00 22:19

But I can tell you. So I played the song, and then I was like, oh, this could be our like theme song for this episode. And then so I played it again and I I hit the hell out of that ball. At a girl. I had a girl. Well, you hit the ball hard. But I was like, but I was like, oh, maybe I need to maybe every time I go up and and tee off, I gotta listen to that song because that ball went. It was good. Good for you. I felt like powerful.

SPEAKER_03 22:43

Yeah. I think we're okay Did we get rid of the shame? I think we did. Okay. All right. So we're gonna go on to what did I learn before I forget? Okay. And you get to go first.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

All right. So I think it was it came, it was all about like this weekend, um, because it was a nice like lay back, relaxing weekend. Um, and then there's small joys that aren't so small. So like a long shower, like a bike ride, someone checking in on you, that first cup of coffee, um, singing in the car, singing while you're hitting golf balls. And a big joy is having people in your corner. So just find joy in. Just find joy in it all.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

That's really nice. Yeah. The first, and I drink tea, not coffee, but that first sip is like it's so nice. Or like if I get to drink my tea like out on the deck, then I like I love that because I can either hear like the birds or the ocean. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

So just find, just find joy.

SPEAKER_03 23:44

I like it. So mine went with what you were ending our shame topic with, is you're happy and strong, friends and family. You gotta check on them because they're putting that smile on, they're they're fighting the fight, and they're not gonna be great at at sharing because they probably have always had to stay strong because they're getting through something. And um just check on them. Let them know that you're there for them because like I said a couple weeks ago, I feel like the strong people that their cuts are really deep and they just don't always get through it. They just keep piling dirt on top of it.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

And you did it. I I take in like what you had what you did with me, and you're like, asked, Do you want to talk about it? No. And then you're just like, I'm here for you.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

And just to know that, like I said, is especially for the the strong ones, just for them to know, like, yep, well, they're taking me you're the strong one.

SPEAKER_03 24:44

And it is a matter of they know that you're there and they know that door is open, so they can walk through whenever they want. They don't feel like they have to come in all of a sudden approach the subject with with no context. Yes. And I think that open door is is pretty helpful.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Yeah. It it it definitely is.

SPEAKER_03 25:07

Okay. Good. Yeah. So we won't forget that one. No. Yeah. We're not gonna well, unless we get brain fog. Which can always remind each other. Yeah. Because I actually had a thought that I wanted to share about something while we're talking, and I don't remember what it was now.

SPEAKER_00 25:25

So wait, I have to tell you something funny though about brain fog. Okay. Um, I was in such a fog the other morning. Normally, it's like the standard thing. I have that loomy deodorant. When I get ready for the gym, it's like 5 a.m. Put the deodorant on, and I spray like this hydrating mist on my face, and I sprayed loomy deodorant on my face. And as I'm spraying it, I was like, oh, that smell. I'm like, what? And I was like, oh my god, I'm spraying deodorant. I was like, oh, I have a total brain fog. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

I mean, it's also early, but oh good thing it closed your eyes.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Yeah, I know. Oh, I'm gonna burn. All right, well, how about what pisses you off? Injuries. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

Anyway, we protect ourselves from getting injured by like not doing certain moves. We prepare ourselves by making things strong. We help prevent by taking all these freaking supplements and all this protein and blah blah blah. And because our bodies are getting older, they still get injured. And it sucks. And I have a new injury. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. And I just kind of don't want to deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

I know.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

Anyway. I know we yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

How about that?

SPEAKER_00 26:42

I was gonna say, well, uh my mine like went into that was mine, just pisses me off because I'm pissed off um at the aging process for you to be injured.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Um, since you're my partner in crime and everything else. Of course, what was the question I asked you? I'm like, how will this affect you playing golf? I saw the show.

SPEAKER_03 27:02

I'm like, and how about golf? Yeah. Well, I mean, I have a golfing vacation coming up. Yeah. So we're gonna have to figure out something. But yeah, I mean, it was the same thing. And my friend wants me to play golf.

SPEAKER_00 27:12

But it was the same, like, yeah, I was at the chiropractor two days last week. I had like compete in my back, I have ice on my back, and taking all this. It's just like, really? Do all the stuff so we don't have to feel the pain.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

Yes. I it's just, I think it was just a lie. Like, we're gonna feel the pain, but you gotta keep doing the stuff, otherwise you won't be able to do the stuff. Yeah, we gotta do all the preventations.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Right. Yeah. So even like I, you know, for Coach Rob, who is like an awesome coach, but it was back squats yesterday, and he's like, it looks like you could go heavier. And I was like, Looks like you don't Rob, I'm like, I I don't want to do anything. I gotta preserve this back. Right. I gotta play golf. Yeah. I don't play golf. I can't mess this up. Yeah, I gotta be ready. I gotta be ready for the Holocaui Cup.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

See, I wish you would have said Rob. I wish you would have said somebody else. I mean, like, looks like you could suck a dick.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

No, I can't do that to Rob. We can't. No, that's why it's always. Because he's such a good coach.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

I know.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

I was places.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

Wait, did you share what you want?

SPEAKER_00 28:16

No, my pisses me off is. Oh, you sharing mine?

SPEAKER_02 28:19

Okay. Yeah, sharing yours. Letters to your younger self, you got one?

SPEAKER_00 28:23

Yes. And it kind of goes, again, we're staying with the theme. I saw this. Um, everything happens for a reason: the highs, the lows, the wins, the losses, people that come into your life and those that leave. Nothing is random and every moment carries a lesson. So when things feel heavy, you have to pause, breathe, and remember there's a meaning to this.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

I have to think about that one for a while.

SPEAKER_00 28:48

But I believe it.

SPEAKER_03 28:49

I don't think anybody happens for a reason. Hear me think about it now. Cause I'm like, because sometimes I believe everything happens for a reason, and then I'm kind of like, things just happen.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:57

But now I and then and then something else happens. I'm like, that happened for a reason. And then I go, nope, there was no reason for that other thing. I'm like a yo-yo.

unknown 29:06

All right.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

So my letter is that I just have to try to try to letter my younger self is I just needed to, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:12

You gotta trust.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

Just breathe, relax. No, it's yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:15

Trust, have faith. All right. So mine is shed the shame. Amen. Yep. Um, everybody's doing their best. I could tell my future self to just let it go. The things you can't control, you you can't carry shame over that. Yes. You can't carry shame over other people's actions. And what you can control, take care of it. Yeah. So our future self would be pretty damn awesome had we gotten all these notes years ago.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

We need to start these letters way earlier.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

Wait, we need to start doing it like an 80-year-old version. What's my 80-year-old self gonna tell my 57-year-old self? Yeah, oh, I like that. So that way we can like use it now. Okay. I don't know if it's gonna work, but what's the thought? All right, give me your 50 shades. Okay, so you sent me that reel from Rabant Cosmetics, which was that girl Kim about the eyeliner.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

Yes, who I so want to get on here as a guest.

SPEAKER_03 30:16

I I emailed her. Okay. You got the email, I did it. So she had the whole like, like, I always see people like smudge in their eyeliner and stuff. And when you sent that to me, I'm like, oh, Chris showing me that my eyeliner's bad. Oh no, no. No, it's because you keep talking about eyeliner. But yeah, yeah. So I I did try it. I I am wearing brown right now. Okay. I did use the smudgy smudgy with a little bit of eyeshadow. Definitely does not look as good as hers, but I tried it and I liked it. So, but I have other things for my my 50 sheets. One, dazzle dry. I did my nails last Thursday. Oh. They're not chipped.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

No.

SPEAKER_03 30:54

I am hell on nail polish. We were at a lake house for the weekend. I would have definitely ruined any other nails. Um they're in great shape. And it comes off with regular nail polish remover. And then the other thing, from our very first episode, you shared like your eyelash curler was your 50 shades. And I'm like, oh yeah, I yeah. Eyelash curler had one for years, whatever. But I broke mine last week and I got a new one. Girls, we got to treat ourselves to a new eyelash curler like every couple years. Heated? I never knew of such a thing. That's what I use. Oh, well, I didn't know about that. You didn't say a heated. It's been over a year. You didn't say a heated eyelash curler. I was like, eyelash curler, what is this, 1970? No. I was like, oh shit, these next episodes we're gonna have to work on this if our best of these shades is get an eyelash curler. But anyway, I'll have to know what another movie's called. They'd like their eyelash curler better. Like he didn't want to, but no, I just got a new one and it worked so much better than my old one that was like three to five years old. That's really funny. Because I remember thinking that too.

SPEAKER_00 32:12

Like, oh, eyelash curler. Awesome. But with with the Ravant, I I did order the eyeliner she recommended.

SPEAKER_03 32:21

I did too. I ordered if you want to. It's supposed to arrive sometime this week. Mine did. Yeah. It's gel. Yes. Gel eyeliner. So we'll see. Because I always use like lip like the Stilla Liquid. Oh, okay. Because it just goes on smoother for me. Like a regular one is like it's like my half my eyelids over here by the time I'm done.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Yeah. So I don't know. So we'll see what it's like. I the mine is a recommendation from my niece Caitlin.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Oh Caitlin. I know. Caitlin has all the great recommendations. Um, it's called the Wonder Skin Wonder Blading All Day Lip Stain. And you can order it on Amazon. It's crazy because it goes on purple. Oh. And then you have to do this like spray. I don't know if it's just water, but it comes with like the little spray, and then you just wipe it off. And then I have it on now. And it lasts a long time. And it lasts a long time. Now it's supposed to last all day, but it doesn't necessarily last all day, but it lasts a long time. It's just lip stain. You could put gloss over it. But normally my regular lipstick, would it last for me to from going to the bathroom downstairs, downstairs out the door, and it's gone. So this, yeah, so it's but it's kind of funky. So you put it on and you see this like it's like this bright purple, and then you just like oh that's fun.

SPEAKER_01 33:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

It's not expensive. It's fun. All different shades. You can get on Amazon. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

Okay. Mm-hmm. So interesting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:43

Oh, um next week we have on our guest. It's gonna be a husband and wife couple. Our second husband and wife. Yes. So our third male altogether. Okay. Including Brian. Um, but they are the midlife mentors, and they educate clients and large companies, like all things midlife. Nice. So yeah, they should be very interesting. Um that would be a dicker typically guest. Yes. Yeah. And um so yeah, I'm really excited to meet them, James and Claire. Okay. And I think it would be a lot of fun. Hopefully, we'll get some good tips. Hopefully, everybody gets some good tips.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

Yes. We'll be good. And is that it? I think so. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

Well, then thank you for listening. Really appreciate it. Uh, if you're watching on YouTube, I hope you had fun. Yeah. And you saw our merching shirts. Uh-huh. Our invited to creatures. Yes. And uh thank you to our affiliates, underoutfit.com. If you don't remember, underoutfit.com is the sewn in sports bras that we absolutely love. They also have some other products too, their underwear and their t-shirts. I love their t-shirts. Uh, but underoutfit.com and then hello Nancy. Hello Nancy is for your personal needs. Um so visit both of them and hopefully you'll find something that you like. You can find their links in our show notes. We showed you how to find the show notes. You just have to open the episode and scroll all the way down. And you can also find the link to purchase some merch from Not Your Mother's Midlife Crisis. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 35:19

So please continue to download, comment, share, follow us on TikTok, YouTube, Instagram. And just like with this episode, if there's something that you liked, didn't like, want to hear more of, like let us know. Yes, it actually you it really just it means the world to us.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

I mean, this episode came from basically our friends. Yes. Having a conversation with women and finding out what they felt. Correct. So that to me, I love the authenticity of how we find our topics and and how they're created. And yes. Or just babbling for me. Yes. I promise you, this is authentic babbling. Yes. See ya everybody. All right. Thank you. Oh, wait, no. Until next week for we continue taking for women's health care and support one another.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

Look out for your sisters.

SPEAKER_03 36:13

Take two. Yes.